"A Sturdy Foundation: Building Your Relationship on the Rock" by Ms. Whitney Coleman
The Prodigal Son is a well-known story in the Bible about a father who gave his younger son his inheritance early, upon the son’s request. As the story goes, this younger son went out and squandered all that his father gave him. After slave labor and rations of food became his portion, the young man decided to return home and offer himself to his father as a hired worker. However, the father would not accept his son’s proposal and instead chose to reinstate him as a son. It is a beautiful story with many different revelations of our relationship with God interwoven within its fabric. In this post I want to use this passage to share what God has revealed to me about what it means to have a relationship with Him within the confines of romantic relationships.
Like A Bird, I Flew Away
At the age of 26, I rashly decided to get married. My parents weren’t on board with the marriage… they barely even knew the man’s name. Even my friends gave me those uncomfortable smiles and hesitant pats on the back, followed by various cliché “Whatever makes you happy” statements. My ex-spouse and I had dove head first into the shallow end of the relationship pool, not realizing that there wasn’t enough depth in either of our relationships with God to sustain our plunge. As a result, we left the pool injured, bruised, and broken.
The Prodigal Son had taken his inheritance from his father and did whatever he wanted to do with it. Perhaps he felt like a caged bird, tired of living by the rules. Truth be told, I had entered into marriage because, like the prodigal son, I was running away from some situations and circumstances that I thought were unfair. I viewed God the way this younger son did. Tired of playing by the rules and feeling confined and deprived, I sought out the desire of my heart – a relationship – because it was something I felt like God was withholding from me.
Oftentimes we pick the wrong partner because we feel that we are entitled to have a relationship on our own terms. We want to overlook the rules of the Father’s house, which tell us not to be unequally yoked with our significant other and warn us of the dangers of sex before marriage. When love (or lust) hits us, we run out of the safety of our Father’s house, anxious to be a part of something that looks good on the outside but in reality may not necessarily be good for us.
Warning: just because a man goes to church doesn’t mean he is good for you!
When our playing by the rules continues to leave us lonely or brings us to another disappointing prospect, we resolve to cast off restraint and do things our own way. We assume that our “Christian” behavior warrants that we should have what we want, when we want it, how we want it; however, what we don’t understand is that loving and serving God is not a license to get what we want all the time, nor is it a guarantee that He will work on our timeline. To base our love for God on our personal agenda is shallow and egotistical. If we love God with a selfish agenda, what makes us think we can love someone else well? Remember, I am speaking from experience here.
Changing Your Perspective
With this being said, I want to mention three things I have learned about why our relationships don’t always work out as we expect:
1) We view God as a mean Father. When I was a kid, I hated vegetables with a passion. My mother and father knew that vegetables were vital to my nutrition and development, but I had no understanding of their necessity in my life. One day at dinner, my dad lovingly but firmly told me that I could no longer skip over my vegetables. I had to stay at the table until I ate them all. I was a stubborn child, so I protested in the same way that most kids do – I screamed, cried, and whined – but my dad wouldn’t budge. He refused to let me get up from the table. After a good hour (like I said, I was a VERY stubborn child), I picked up my fork and ate my veggies. At the time I viewed my dad as mean, because I didn’t understand that he knew what was best for me. So it is with God. He knows what you need more than you do. If you feel like He is punishing you by not letting you get into a relationship right now or calling you to let go of one that is not healthy, it may be because He doesn’t want to see you malnourished in the relationship later on down the line. He knows what is best for you, so trust Him.
2) Jesus at the Center. In order to withstand the tides and tumultuous currents that can hit a relationship, Christ has to be at the center of your life before you get into a relationship or marriage. Gleaning your strength first from your own personal walk with God allows you to be a productive participant in the relationship. You don’t want to be a leech to your mate, thinking that his or her relationship with Christ is sufficient for you both. Looking to your partner for help before looking to God is too much pressure for one human to handle. It places unfair and unnecessary demands and expectations on your mate that they are not designed to fulfill – only God can give you the ultimate that peace you need and desire. This is also how you guard your heart, by giving it to God first. It is a daily exercise that must not be forsaken. For all you know, your mate may frustrate you and cause you to have to go to God first so that you can respond to them in a godly manner! When you both seek God individually and then together, unity is brought to the relationship, and you are able to submit to God and to one another more effectively for the sake of your purpose and assignment together.
3) Pressure reveals strength. Marriage comes with a heavy load of hardship that people aren’t initially aware of and don’t bargain for. Great financial difficulty, disputes with in-laws, differences in child-rearing, and many other pressures can arise. Marriage is NOT like what we see on television, a happily ever after that has no complications. It involves great reciprocal sacrifice. During the time that I was married, after multiple job losses, a fire that destroyed our home, a miscarriage, and a series of other unfortunate events, the marriage broke under the tremendous pressure of life’s burdens. You both need to be strong within yourselves to run to God individually and then together so that you don’t take your frustrations out on each other and end up destroying the relationship.
Please understand, I am not a pessimistic individual that doesn’t believe that marriage is a wonderful gift from God. On the contrary, I believe that it is the most important institution in the body of Christ, and for that reason, it must be taken very seriously. If you are currently in a relationship that you know in your heart is not God’s best for you (and you will know), you may ask yourself, “If God doesn’t want me to be in this relationship, then why doesn’t He just stop it? Why does He allow me to be with this person?” I’m so glad you asked.
Remember when the prodigal son asked his father for his inheritance? His father didn’t have to give it to him. He could have said, “No, because you are not ready for it and you will squander it.” Instead, He gave his son his inheritance and allowed him to experience an all-time low in his life so that he could realize that under his father’s care was the best place to be. Sometimes, if you are so intent on having your way in a relationship as I was, God will let you go your own way because He knows that it is the only way you will grow, mature and learn from your mistakes. These trying experiences God allows in order to teach us that working against God’s desire for our lives, which is found in His Word, won’t benefit us. God won’t control you, but He will sometimes allow you to hit rock bottom in a relationship to help you realize that your Father's house is a refuge from unnecessary hurt, harm and danger.
God does not withhold anything from you unless it is not His best. He knows the desire of your heart and is strategically aligning everything to fit not only what you want, but also what you need. As we wait, let us be mindful that our Father is a good Father who isn’t punishing us, but who knows what’s best for us. While we wait, we can focus on grounding ourselves deeper in Him and His love for us so that when our partner does come, we are like the house built on the rock. When the rain and winds come against us, we will be faithful and immovable to the commitment we have made to our spouse, but most importantly, to our God.
With Love,
Whit
Whitney Coleman is a Brooklyn, NY native and graduate of Saint John's University. She loves God, traveling, writing and meeting new people. Whitney currently runs her own business entitled WC Artistry, where she handcrafts Jewelry and Accessories from African fabrics and sustainable materials. She hopes to one day use this business to create programs that teach young women about entrepreneurship. To learn more about WC Artistry, click here.